It’s a good thing I don’t drink alcohol. I would probably be a complete wine addict. I remember when I was little, going to play at a certain friend’s house a lot after school, and I would see her dad drink a beer every single night when he returned from work. I used to wonder “man, why does he drink so much?” But now I’m a grown up, I have a better understanding. I have a (not so secret) wine rack in my kitchen, and let’s just say its’ stock of bubbly ginger beer and Martinellis (American Shloer), is drained and replenished regularly.
I’ve been under so much stress lately.
Life has been stressful.
I have felt full of stress.
However I phrase it, somehow it doesn’t quite encapsulate the tumult that goes on in my head. As I flit between the old Type A/Perfectionist Tasha, and then the Tasha who I’m becoming- someone less uncompromising and competitive- my mind becomes susceptible to worry. Worry about motherhood. Social life. Church service. Visa renewals. Being a business owner. Working out. Am I good enough? Am I doing enough? I stress about it all. Then I start to worry I’m crazy, because after all, who analyzes everything so much? Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I stop thinking for one minute?!
Cue bubbly drink…
At this point, the introvert in me tends to take over. I down my drink. Put my babe down for a nap as soon as I can, turn on a show for my toddler, and I go up my room. I close the door and bask in the glorious silence. I read. Do some yoga (yes- ME doing yoga is hilarious, but I’m starting to like it!) or try cat nap. Mostly, I just rejoice that no one is touching or jumping on me, or demanding that we sing Row, Row, Row Your Boat for the bazillionth time.
I also binge eat.
BUT, seeming as I lost 40lbs of baby weight in 6 weeks, I sure as heck intend to keep it that way, so, If we are out of strawberries, I binge eat snacks like this:
Once I’ve both devoured my feelings and recharged my battery, I feel capable of doing some service. One thing I’ve gravitated to lately is making Homeless Care Kits. Extremely quick and easy to prep. Extremely useful. And then you just pop them in your car and just go on with your life. And, BAM, the next few homeless folk you see or run into, you actually have a useful care package to give them! All it is-a ziplock bag, toss in a bottle of water, a few snacks (add mini toiletries if you happen to have some) and voila! You have a light weight, helpful gift to give to someone in need.
I’ve also been hoping this whole mothering thing while my husband is away deal, would get easier. Alas, it never really does. I’m not in the ball park of a single parent. No where near. It’s mostly that the transitioning from having him here for maybe 3 days, gone for 5, home for 4 days, gone for 2 weeks- is exhausting. And, as a person who thrives on routines and schedules, trying to find the wherewithal to thrive amidst unpredictability is tricky. The only consistent things in my life are: my toddler loves being naked, and that my baby is continually teething.
I do want to be more joyful. More spontaneous and selfless. But, the fact is that by 3pm, I’m almost running on empty. So, will I ever stop beating myself up about the person I am or the decisions I make? How do I make the leap from the sometimes fun/happy/yet mostly exhausted me, to genuinely being more consistently full of peace and energy? Will I ever sleep through the night ever again?!
If you know, please fill me in. Because I haven’t figured that out yet. However, till I do, at least there are those Martinellis bottles in my cupboard to keep me company. 😉